He Said What To Me?
Just so you don’t get confused, this post does have a purpose in the end….if you make it that far, hopefully you will see where I’m coming from.
I always wanted to work in the entertainment industry or to be a newspaper reporter….yes, I wanted to work as a news anchor (or maybe even be an actress). That was my dream, to be some local towns (it didn’t matter where, as long as it was far, far away from where I was from!) morning breakfast or evening news anchor. I wanted to deliver the facts to the town, city, or even world if I could work my way up to the top! Whether it was via my face in front of a camera or by putting pen to paper, I knew I had the communication skills, I mean, after all, my grandmother used to tell me that I could sell ice water to the devil if I wanted to, which to me was the gift of persuasion and gab! So what better career path to take, right? I was convinced this is what I would be…this was my calling, but oh how WRONG I was!
When I started college, I took some classes my first semester related to TV/News Communication (taught by someone described as having “years” of time and experience in the field) and was told straight in front of at least 200 other students, “You, in the fifth row, you will make the perfect SHORT term news girl!” At first I was delighted, I had been spotted, I knew I had the look and the drive….until the next few things came out of his mouth, “You are obviously a very attractive young lady, assuming you can speak well, (and he had me repeat some corny line like I was ending a broadcast), and you have that look in your blue eyes that you want to say something, but stand up please…(I give him an awkward look)…yes, stand up!” I stood up, ever so slowly, and really sort of cringed at the entire room looking at me, but at the same time it has to be good, I’m thinking, because he noticed me!) “And THAT’S your problem!” I’m thinking to myself, “what’s my problem?” Did I not stand correctly, is my back not straight, am I hunching at my shoulders, I know I’m super fit, that can’t be it? “You’re entirely too short, change your major, trust me dear, petite people (at least he wasn’t discriminating on a gender basis) do not make it in the world of News and Television, especially not television, change your major dear.” I was CRUSHED….CRUSHED to the very soul that held me together…I saw every eyebrow in the room raise, all of the tall people release their held breaths in relief, and some more awkward people’s eyes grow as big as saucers in disbelief at what was just said. I wanted to run out of the room. I wanted to cry. I wanted to kick the old geezer straight in his balls, but I held it together, and I stayed to hear the rest of his how’s and why’s of the TV world, which I now know were crap! I walked out saying softly to myself “Asshole!”, and a couple of people I had never seen or spoken to in my life came up to me and were giving me advice that I was most definitely not interested in hearing…not right then anyway. Could this be true? Is the world that I want so much to be a part of so shallow and so, so….stupid and pre-judgmental?
The very next day, I walked into my adviser’s office and changed my major to nursing….something that I never wanted to really do, never really even thought about, except for a few times because one of my classmates mother’s was a nurse and I thought it was cool she got to wear scrubs and “help” people, but I had never once in my childhood thought….”I want to be a nurse when I grow up! I want to put up with the top to bottom of society asking for help and complaining half the time you give it to them, I want to work 12 and 16 hour night shifts and be governed by a board that doesn’t advocate for me, yet advocates for the public against you.” No, I never wanted to be a nurse, but that’s the path I chose because of the gray headed ass-face that made me feel a half-inch tall in a room full of what seemed like giants. It took me a long time to get over what he said to me, it did. But my point is, that WHAT he said to me changed my life course. There were many good and many bad things that came out of my choosing the path that I did, but I still had that seed of working in TV/Entertainment industry, I always signed up to be in the underground theater, did lots of leads in some plays, always sang and performed in my churches choir and plays, wrote scripts in my journal, song lyrics… took my little bitty bits of my once big dream and I dabbled in it when I could, but all in all…it was still just a dream.
My point to this weeks rant post is this…..I let ONE person, one person that I didn’t even know and who most definitely didn’t know me, demolish my dream. The biggest point is this…I LET HIM…I CHOSE TO COWER DOWN….I CHOSE TO DEMOLISH MY OWN DREAM based on what what someone else said…based on how I was judged, and unfairly at that.
I think that in all of my changing I’m doing lately and all of the new self discovery, it is this that has really stood out to me. Some of you may think, get over it…your too old now to do anything about it, you suck at it, you can’t write, but that’s just it, I don’t care what anyone else says about it now. If I fail, it’s ok, at least I’ve tried, because up until now, I never got the chance. Hell, I’ve been thinking, at the very least with all of the medical shows out there I know I could find some place to use what I KNOW from the wrong choice I made (which by the way, I’ve got stories from my years in medicine that would rock Shonda Rhymes’ world! 😎 I lucked into doing some stand-in work about three years ago and was Blessed to work on a hit show and get loads of set time and learn tons from the leads that I worked with. Some of them were very gracious and very helpful, others…well…they were honestly typical movie star attitude types, but for the most part they treated me just like I was one of them, which was fantastic. I’ve made some great friends and done some small acting gigs and a lot of stand-in and “featured” extra work (yes, extra’s can be featured”. I’ve taken acting classes, voice over classes, I have an agent and I’m writing this blog. I’ve actually found a new passion for it that didn’t even exist when I put my dream of entertainment in the grave before it was even born! So NEVER let someone stop your dreams in their tracks without some serious soul searching first, because trust me, it will come back to haunt you…it will…like a freaking ghost in a closet or monster under the bed…it will find its way back into your mind and your heart and you may not be able to get it back…ever, but if you’re like I was and it happened to you too…take it back…take back your dream and decide what to do with it. Decide whether or not it was just a silly wishful thinking type dream (and we all have those…it’s ok), or if it really entered into your soul of souls and still dwells in the very blood that flows through your heart.
I will end with this….”He said what to me?”
Thanks for reading my dream…remember to breathe.
Posted on May 1, 2011, in acting, addiction, blog, blogging, breath, breathing, change, choices, death, dreaming, dreams, entertainment, failure, fear, God, humor, life, love, medicine, mistakes, possibilities, questions, relationships, soul, writing. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.